About Sex

You don't have to have sex if you don't want to.

Maybe that seems obvious, but some people act like it's not true--like sex is just something you need to do, like eating your vegetables or filing your taxes, but supposedly more fun.

If you're having sex less than six times a month, rest assured that you're not alone. There's this article (Times) that talks about how the Millennial generation is having less frequent sex and will probably end up with fewer sex partners compared to previous generations. Then there's this other article (The Guardian) about how just about everyone is having less sex these days, compared to 10 or 20 years ago.

Now, the tone and purpose of that second article is just kind of baffling. It opens up with the idea that sex is a recreational activity and has decreased in prevalence because people have better things to do. Then it talks about how people often find sex to be stressful and unpleasant. Then it tries to convince you to go out and force yourself to have sex, even if you aren't in a relationship, because... no reason. I reread the article looking for any mentions of upsides of sex, and there weren't any. Not even some BS stat about oxytocin or anything. The author apparently thinks sex is inherently awesome and just assumes that everyone else agrees.

It's like some weird religious belief. (Or maybe it just feels like that to me because it reminds me of how some people will try to reference the Christian Bible to convince you of something, without first checking whether you're even a Christian.) This article isn't the only place I've seen this attitude. Even the counselor I went to kept getting hung up on my allegedly unconventional sex life, even though I was paying her ridiculous sums of money for help on my executive function problems and I repeatedly informed her that I'm quite happy with the lack of sex I'm having.

None of this is intended to dissuade you from having sex if you actually want to. By all means, go out and have as much sex as you want, with other consenting individuals. Use protection. But if you're asexual, or you're too busy, or you're having a dry spell, or you only want to have sex in a committed relationship, or you haven't found anyone who's your type, or if you like sex slightly less than that new video game you're playing... that's okay too! There's nothing wrong with not having sex.

I know most people want to have more sex than I do, since I'm ace, but I'm pretty sure that even among folks who experience sexual attraction, most people aren't sex-crazed lunatics who never ever have anything better to do.

As for why people in general are having less sex these days, that first article mentioned that people are really busy and also that they're less inclined to risky behavior than past generations, and I agree that those things are probably factors. I also have some additional baseless hypotheses about why people might be having less sex:

Sex is less mysterious than it used to be. In the past, if you had any curiosity or cognitive interest in sex, your only option for satisfaction was to go have sex. Nowadays, that's not necessary. You can read informative books or Internet pages, you can watch porn videos, you can read erotic fiction... Heck, if you have the radio in your car on a Top 40 station, you'll probably spend your whole commute to work hearing mostly songs with sex-related lyrics. Advertisements are full of sex implications. Sex is everywhere. Sex isn't inherently cool anymore.

(Personally, I think sex is really interesting, but actually having sex tends to be a much bigger hassle and less fulfilling than any of the other sex-related activities I could be doing.)

Easier access to masturbation aids. There is no longer any need to treat your fellow humans like walking masturbation aids. You can easily buy a vibrator or other device in a local shop in your town, or online. The Internet is overflowing with free porn. If your main motivation for sex is either relaxation or libido relief, you can easily take care of it yourself.

We are more empowered about sex. This is like the first time in recorded history that people have the option of not having sex if they don't want to! In many past generations, the only way to avoid sex was to have your entire life revolve around celibacy by becoming a nun or something. The Bible says spouses have a duty to have sex with each other, and it seems like a lot of non-Christian areas had similar ideas. Did you know that it was completely legal for a man to rape his wife in some parts of the USA as recently as 1993? Ridiculous.

But it's now 2015! Feel free to go around having ONLY as much as sex as you want!

Everyone Hates Unsolicited Advice

Seriously. Everyone.

Okay, okay. There are a few people who claim to not hate unsolicited advice... but they're in a very tiny minority. Chances are that family member you're about to give your oh-so-enlightening advice to is not one of those people.

What is unsolicited advice?

"Unsolicited" means the recipient didn't ask for it.

If you're writing something like an article, blog post, and Facebook status that's not addressed to anyone in particular, you can usually advise as much as you want, because anyone who doesn't want to see it can just scroll on past. (Of course, if people consider the advice itself to be inherently offensive or stupid, they will still be offended or think you're stupid.) But comments or responses to posts, posts addressed to a specific category of people (even if not a particular person), or sending a copy or link of an article to someone are all examples of unsolicited advice and you want to avoid them.

If someone does solicit advice from you, that's not a pass to go giving advice on other unrelated topics. Stick to what they asked about, unless there's actually a connection.

By the way, just because someone is complaining about something doesn't mean they're soliciting advice. This is especially true if the person complaining is someone who just plain likes conversation in general.

Why do people hate it?

If my advice for you is really a great idea, you probably already thought of it, and you probably don't appreciate my implication that you aren't capable of thinking of it yourself.

Maybe you agree that my advice is a better alternative to what you're currently doing on that topic, but you don't care enough about it to adjust your lifestyle to receive that benefit.

Maybe you don't have the same values I do. Maybe your problem is important but my proposed solution is too big of a sacrifice. Maybe I have a different goal in mind than you do.

People have different skills and preferences. Even if it's good advice for me, even if the advice could work for you, there could be another way that's easier or better for you. Maybe the situation you're in would be a problem for me but isn't a problem for you.

I surely think I'm knowledgeable on this topic if I'm giving advice, but... maybe I'm not. Maybe you already researched the issue and found out that whatever I'm suggesting is inferior to another solution you found. Maybe my advice is particularly bad.

Unsolicited advice is basically criticism (e.g. whatever you're doing now is inferior to whatever I'm suggesting). Constructive critique can be incredibly useful, but that still doesn't mean you appreciate someone constantly bashing your choices! At some point, it's basically nagging.

If you want to talk about your situation or even answer the question, "How are you?" honestly, you probably don't appreciate me trying to shut you up with advice. Maybe I'm sick of listening to your negativity, but implying that fact through "advice" isn't much more polite than just saying it outright.

Maybe I don't even understand your problem properly, even after you've tried to explain it. Maybe my advice would be a great solution for a different problem than the one that you have.

"Think positive" is not even legit advice.

What if you NEED to give advice? (Or really, really want to?)

Sometimes you have awesome advice that you're pretty sure this other person totally needs. If you're a parent or somebody's boss, it's practically your job to give advice. So here's some tips I've found for giving advice as politely as possible.

DO:

Ask yourself what's the worst that could plausibly happen if you kept your opinion to yourself. Even if you are a parent or boss, that doesn't mean you need to give your child or subordinate every piece of advice that crosses your mind.

Give information and let the recipient decide what to do with it. (e.g. If you watched the weather report and your family member didn't, feel free to say, "By the way, the weather report said it's going to rain today," without adding, "You should take an umbrella.") However, there are two caveats to this tip:

• Make sure you don't state obvious information so that the recipient feels like you're insulting their intelligence.
• Avoid implying what they should do with the info. "If you [insert something other than what they're doing], then [result you think they want]" is usually not acceptable.

Say what worked for you, but keep it very brief. Just say one sentence that starts with something like, "I had a problem kind of like that once, and what worked for me was...." If they are interested in your solution, they will solicit additional information. If you can't fit even a summary of your situation into one sentence, it might work to say, "I had a problem kind of like that once; I can tell you what worked for me if you think it'll help."

In some situations, it can be helpful to let someone know you have advice to give, so they can ask for it if they want, e.g. when my friend and I are playing the same video game and one of us is struggling with a part the other already passed, we'll say, "Let me know if you want to hear how I did it." However, this contains an implicit judgment that the way they're currently doing it is inferior to your way, so it's inappropriate for many situations.

Be humble. Give the person an "out," as in, a prepared excuse for not taking your advice. "I don't know if it'll work for you, but...."

DON'T:

Don't start a sentence with "You should...."

Don't ask, "Why don't you [insert what you think they should do]?" because not only are you advising them, you're demanding that they justify their choices to you.

Don't give them the same advice multiple times for the same problem. There's a reason they didn't take it the first time.

Don't get all pissy when someone doesn't take your advice.

Don't give advice too often. If you nag all the time, the people you nag at will stop taking your suggestions seriously.