Social Skills

I think social psychology and human relations are super-interesting, so I have picked up a variety of techniques. Most of these tips are probably obvious to most people; they just do it by accident without even thinking about it! But some of us missed the memo. People with certain disorders or autism tend to be particularly untalented at figuring this stuff out without instruction, but with the way neurotypical folks seem to absorb social conventions by accident while growing up, they can easily end up with problems if they grew up around people with unsuitable social habits.

Assertiveness tips:

Seeing as how I'm debilitatingly unassertive, it might seem like a terrible idea to get advice on the matter from me, but I've noticed that there are actually people out there that are worse about this than me, so here are the tips I've found.

This is a topic a lot of people realize they need help on, so you can also search for "assertiveness tips" or "how to be assertive" to get some more information.

Respect yourself!

What is assertiveness? It's being confident and direct in claiming your rights or putting forth your views.

The main prerequisite to assertiveness is the belief that it's okay to be nice to yourself. Sure, you want to be nice to people, but you're also a person. You don't have to do EVERYTHING other people request of you, even if their requests are reasonable.

It may help to consider reciprocity, i.e. how often other people help you. I mean, I think an ideal community is one where everyone is always helping each other out, but consider whether you actually live in that kind of community. (You may have that kind of relationship with a few people but not others.) I know someone who acts like she lives in an omni-helpful world when she totally doesn't. She's always asking other people for favors, but they never pan out. Meanwhile, she runs herself ragged doing everything for everybody. It might be okay to act like that if you have people who are going to help you out, but if you live in an "every man for himself" setting, you need to help yourself first, then help others after your own needs are met.  I'm not saying you should only help people who help you, just that the help you give out shouldn't too far exceed the help you receive.

Don't be hostile

Assertiveness is not aggressiveness.

When someone makes a request of you, your options are not limited to (1) do whatever they ask even when it makes you feel all bitter and martyred (2) disparage their character for having the nerve to make that request. Try to say no without turning it into a fight. If you're mean about it, the requester is guaranteed to feel defenses or resentful. They might have argued anyway (even though that would be terribly rude of them), but they're a lot more likely to argue now that they want to convince you that you weren't justified in treating them that way.

Even if you give in and do what they want after all, they're not going to feel very grateful if you were a jerk about it.

Say No and Shut Up

If you decline someone's request or unsolicited advice, resist the urge to give a long-winded justification for your choice. That just invites argument. The following two tips give you advice on what to say instead.

"Pass the Bean Dip" technique

This tip applies mostly to unsolicited advice. I'm pretty sure it originally came from a parenting blog, or maybe a homeschooling blog. The name was probably inspired by family gatherings, which are an unholy chaotic pit of unsolicited advice, but such gatherings are likely to contain food and condiments that can be cleverly used to distract your enemies! The idea is that you respond briefly to whatever someone said to you, then immediately change the subject. Don't actually say bean dip if there's no bean dip for them to pass to you.

For example:

"You should just feed the baby formula. She would sleep better that way."

"Thanks for your concern. Can you pass the bean dip?"

Broken Record technique

This is a technique where another person is arguing with you and you need to stand your ground. You keep saying essentially the same thing until the take the hint and give up.

Fogging

Fogging is an assertiveness technique for dealing with obnoxious criticism. You express agreement with the true parts of what the person is saying, e.g. if they say, "I see you're dressed the same trashy way you always are," you can say, "Yes, I'm dressed the way I normally dress."

I don't have any practice on this technique, because most people where I live are more subtle with their hostility, but I wanted to mention it just in case you need it.

What situations trip you up?

If there are certain situations where you have trouble being assertive, try to avoid having that situation overlap with situations where you need to be particularly assertive. 

For example, I have a hard time with verbal communication, especially face-to-face, especially if I didn't get any advanced warning to prepare for the  conversation... so I'll agree to all kinds of ridiculous things if I'm not careful. My "escape plan" is to say something wishy-washy about how I'll have to give them an answer later.

Amiability tips:

Here are tips on how to avoid appearing argumentative, hostile, or conceited. This list assumes you aren't the kind of person who likes creating drama.

Non-Accusatory Complaint

If you need to lodge a complaint so that a problem will be corrected, you can do it in a way that avoids criticizing the receiver of the complaint. Putting forth an accusatory complaint will make the receiver defensive, and if it turns out that the problem wasn't the receiver's fault, it will make you look silly and make the receiver feel a false sense of "problem solved."

For example, suppose you're taking a class and your teacher graded your test incorrectly:
Bad: "Hey, you graded my test wrong."
Good: "Hey, there's an error with how my test was graded."

About Opinions

"Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one, and nobody thinks theirs stinks." -- popular saying

Just because someone says something about a topic on which you have an opinion doesn't necessarily mean you have to give your opinion. If it's just small talk or otherwise non-important, you might consider keeping it to yourself, especially if your opinion is contradictory or negative to what was already said.

However, if someone someone asked for your opinion or you want to have a polite debate or discussion, try to state a fact about yourself instead of giving your opinion. For example, you can say, "I didn't like that movie," instead of, "That was a bad movie."

Use "I Language"

"I Language" is relationship-counselor-speak for "talking like someone who's not an overly hostile asshole." Basically, when you have a disagreement with someone, you talk about yourself or the concrete facts of the situation, instead of blaming or criticizing the other person.

Besides the fact that blaming and criticism rarely get you what you want (more on that later), talking about yourself and the situation is just going to be clearer and more accurate. Things like "You're so selfish" or "You never help out around the house" or "You hurt my feelings" don't really communicate anything useful.

There's already been a ton written on this topic by more intelligent people than me, so I'm just going to leave you with two informative websites I found:

• The technique explained in detail at Austin CC.
• Lots of good and bad examples are provided at Families.com

If those links ever die or you want more info, you can find similar pages by searching for phrases like "I language in communication."

Humility (using "I think...")

You probably had at least one English teacher who insisted that you should never start statements with things like "I think" or "I believe." Well, you shouldn't take etiquette advice from your English teachers, even when they aren't the types everybody hates. That's not their specialty.

Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People tipped me off to this wisdom from Benjamin Franklin:

I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me at present". 

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. 

-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

(Try to use a reasonably confident tone though, at least in professional settings, or you'll give some people the impression that you're guessing wildly.)

So scratch out all the "I think" from your English class homework assignments, but use it as much as you want (maybe more?) in every other context.

Can you get the same result by agreeing?

For an example, I'm going to totally plagiarize something I once saw on a parenting message board (I don't remember who told this example; please claim it if it's yours).

The Mom posting this advice was talking about dealing with her own mother (the Grandma). Grandma would call her and suggest that she bring the family over to visit. The Mom found that if she responded, "Ugh, I am SO busy, there's no way I can make it over there until at least Wednesday!" then the Grandma would be upset and argumentative and start complaining about how she never sees the grand kids, et cetera. But if the Mom responded with something like, "Sure! How about Wednesday?" then Grandma would be happy ("Great, I'll make pancakes!").

Either way, the Mom was agreeing to bring the family over on Wednesday, but the Grandma's feelings and response were different based on her attitude.

On one hand, maybe it seems silly of the Grandma to care so much about the presentation of the response, since she's getting what she wants either way, but I think it actually makes sense. The grouchy response has some underlying implications of "your request is unreasonable" and "bringing the family to see you is a big hassle for me," and it's those implications that Grandma was actually arguing with.

Good Intentions tips:

Trying to do something does not automatically mean you actually are doing it. That applies just as much to "being nice" as it does to anything else.

Everyone hates unsolicited advice

I gave this one its own post. Read it here.

Don't overdo favors

When someone does something nice for someone else, the beneficiary often feels obligated to repay the favor in some way. If the benefactor insists that the favor does not need to be repaid, that does pretty much nothing to reduce the sense of obligation! You don't really have to worry about this with family members and close friends, because you'll be helping each other out all the time, and there's no need to keep score when you feel like it'll even out in the long run. Therefore, this advice applies mostly to casual friends and acquaintances.

From my observations, it seems like the "amount" that someone feels compelled to repay is based on either (a) the beneficiary's perception of how much trouble the favor caused for the benefactor (b) how much trouble it would have caused the beneficiary to do that favor for someone (c) a midpoint between the two. The amount of benefit that the person actually receives isn't necessarily a huge factor.

That means, it's entirely possible for the beneficiary's sense of obligation to exceed the actual benefit of the favor! In that case, the beneficiary dislikes receiving the favor.

Thus, if you try too hard to be nice, you could actually end up annoying someone. They'll have trouble holding it against you, but it could still cause them to dislike you if it's an ongoing problem.

By the way, all this talk of favors applies to both acts of service and material gifts.

Non-Annoying tips:

These are some things to keep in mind so that you can avoid accidentally being a pest.

Personal space

People will usually get annoyed if you get too close to them. This varies a lot by culture and personal life experiences, but in the USA, and good rule of thumb is that people want at least three or four feet of space when they're facing each other and having a conversation. However, when they're standing side by side or something, a smaller amount of space is okay, probably about two feet.

In crowded places, such as a busy subway, it's not always practical for everyone to keep as much space as they want. Most people understand this and are reasonable, but one tactic for dealing with the discomfort is pretending the people encroaching on their space are not there or are some kind of inanimate objects. Therefore, people may get annoyed when you talk to them in these situations.

Buffer Seat

In places like theaters or buses, the seats are usually so close together that people will be in each other's space. It's especially bad if either of you are too fat for the seat! Therefore, it's appropriate for strangers to leave an empty seat between each other.

However, sometimes there's too high of a person-to-seat ratio, and it's not possible for everyone to have a buffer seat. In that case, it's not reasonable to insist on a buffer seat. Even in situations wherein people can stand, it's not always easy to stand that long so some people are going to sit in the empty seats. If you're the person who fills the buffer seat, don't be offended if a stranger stands up and moves away. It's nothing personal; they just want more space.

Phone conversations

Seriously, don't have extended phone calls in public places where the people around you can't move away without inconveniencing themselves.

Note, this only applies to verbal conversations on the phone. Some people act like there's something horribly morally wrong with you for doing things like texting, gaming, or reading email, but there's no reason people should be legitimately annoyed by those things, unless you're doing them in some needlessly annoying fashion.

Here are some reasons why verbal phone conversations are actually totally rude:

• It's really irritating and distracting to overhear half of a conversation. It's a lot worse than just overhearing two people talk. Here's an article about a study that found out this information, just in case you were wondering whether I'm the only one that's annoyed. People don't have to be trying to eavesdrop to be affected; even if your phone call is the most boring thing ever and they'd really rather think about their grocery list, their brain is going to stick to your phone call. It's distracting enough to interfere with the cognitive abilities needed for many daily tasks, so in some situations, it can even be dangerous.

• The person having the phone call is also distracted and therefore has a reduced ability to be considerate of other people who are present. If you were talking to someone in person, the other person would be there to notice things that you miss.

• It's harder to hear each other over the phone, so you probably talk louder than normal and frequently repeat yourself.

You can cut yourself some slack if the call is highly important. It's still rude, but some rudeness is forgivable in extenuating circumstances.

Pleasantness Tips:

Doing these things will make people more likely to consider you pleasant and friendly.

Greet people (usually)

This seems to vary a lot by region and setting. I've heard that in some places, you're expected to greet every stranger you pass on the street, which seems weird to me.

However, even in places where it's normal to keep your head down and avoid eye contact with strangers, it's usually a good idea to greet people you know, like when you pass a coworker in the office hallway.

These greetings have two parts:

• First, give an indication of who you're greeting. The normal way is to make eye contact, but it usually also works to say their name in the greeting or look in their general direction.
• Second, communicate the greeting with words, a hand gesture, or both.

It can be a good idea to consider what a person is currently doing before you greet them, to avoid interrupting something.

"How are you?"

Half the people who ask this are using it as some polite figure of speech and don't care how you are, and the other half are just trying to give you a chance to report some kind of news, like a more formal version of, "What's up?" Generally, you should respond to this with, "Good. How are you?" but it's also a chance to say something like, "Oh God, call an ambulance," or, "Just so you know, the copy machine is broken again," in applicable circumstances. 

If you feel like crap, don't say so as a response to this question unless you're expecting the asker to do something about it. You also won't get any good results from faux-positive responses like, "eh, I'm alive."

I feel like it's a bad idea to ask this when you're not in a good situation to have a conversation, e.g. a fast food cashier greeting the first customer and other customers are waiting. However, it seems that many people disagree with me.

About Conversation

A lot of people like to talk about themselves. Certainly, I think most people prefer to talk about themselves or other things they're interested in over other topics. So if you're trying to get on someone's good side, make it easy for them to talk about themselves or their interests by asking about them. If someone tries to talk about something that happened to them, they will often be annoyed if you talk about your own similiar experiences before they're done with what they want to say. If you don't like to talk about yourself (or at all) but someone keeps asking you about yourself in the course of some awkward attempt at small talk, don't worry, they're probably not a stalker. They're just trying to give you a chance to talk about yourself because they think you'll like that.

Empathy* tips:

*By "empathy," I mean putting yourself in someone else's metaphorical shoes--not necessarily feeling the emotion they're feeling, but having an idea of their point of view.

The world is filled with all sorts of people, and you will never understand them the way you understand yourself. Never assume you know someone as well as or better than they know themselves. Still, some understanding is better than no understanding, so here are some tips for considering other people's point of view.

Everybody thinks they're good

Seriously, all sorts of mass-murdering sociopaths have been convinced that they are wonderful people that the law unfairly punished. It's not even that they didn't know (somehow forgot) that they killed those people, but rather the murders didn't take away their self-identified "good person" points.

This has implications for when you want someone to change their behavior.

Mainly, if you give someone unsolicited criticism, it's quite possible won't believe you. (If your criticism describes an objective fact that they agree with, they won't agree that there's anything wrong with that fact.) Instead they'll be offended and defensive and consider YOU to be the bad guy. So, you might as well try to avoid criticizing people when possible.

When you want people to change their behavior, try to be precise. Tell them what you want them to do or stop doing. Don't just tell them to "please be respectful." I mean, it's not like they're going to respond with, "OHHHH, I didn't realize I was supposed to be respectful! Silly me! I'll fix that."

Forgive other people's nonverbal behavior

If someone is annoyed by a situation, it's true that they shouldn't take it out on you. However, if you insist that they effectively pretend they are not annoyed, you're requiring them to have excellent acting skills. Is it a moral flaw to not have excellent acting skills?

Besides, even if you're absolutely sure you interpreted their facial expression, pose, tone of voice, or sigh correctly... maybe you didn't. Even if you're normally good at reading that sort of thing, if someone is from a different region or has neurological differences, they might have different body language than you're used to.

So, if someone does what you want but acts upset about it in the process, let it go.

Everyone wants to be treated with respect

This includes people who have a lower social status than you, such as your children. Basically, don't throw all these techniques out the window just because you're talking to your kid.

Acknowledge personality differences

The Golden Rule has its limitations. Everyone wants to be treated with respect, the details vary from person to person. It's still a good idea to keep the old "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" maxim in mind, but it's a guideline, not a hard and fast rule.

I hope to eventually give many of these differences their own post, but here's an example for now:

Some people like to talk more than others. They just find conversation to be a relaxing activity that helps them bond with people. Not everyone is like that. Lots of folks can talk okay, but it's terribly unfun. There are even some people who aren't very good at talking, so they have to put a lot of effort into it, and long conversations can be mentally exhausting for them.

Likewise, different people like to spend different amounts of time in the presence of others. A good half of the population is more introverted than extroverted, which means they really need a certain amount of time alone to relax, and how much time will vary.

So if someone wants to spend time with you sometimes, but they don't want to spend as much time as you want to spend, or they don't want to converse as much as you want to converse, don't take it personally. It doesn't mean that they don't care about you as much as you care about them.

I've found that it pays to be optimistic about people. When someone does something, you have no way of telling what their motivations and intentions are, and there's usually multiple possible explanations from your point of view. So why not give them the benefit of the doubt?

More info

Feel free to add additional techniques in the comments or to expound on how these techniques have worked for you. It would be great to get info on how all this stuff works in different regions.