About what's wrong with me!

I decided I wanted to write a thorough document on all my issues, for a few different reasons. One reason is so that, the next time I go to a psychologist or something, I can have everything I want to discuss already planned out. Another reason is so that I can see how my perceptions of my problems change over time. My main reason for actually posting this publicly is the hope that folks with similar problems will see this and provide advice on what has worked for them, or at least get some commiseration out of the fact that we're not alone!

The divisions are kind of arbitrary.

Executive Functioning Problems

Life is too complicated! I believe I've had these traits since I was a kid, but it wasn't a big problem at the time because of the different circumstances.

Inertia and Pathological Avoidance of Demands

I have particular problems with transitioning between activities or doing out-of-routine tasks, like my brain can't "shift gears" properly. (This is related to the "reticulating splines" concept.) I have particular trouble going to work each morning; sometimes I have trouble leaving work. Sometimes I avoid fun activities because it's too much trouble to get started.

However, the problem isn't all about transitions. I feel frustrated, stressed, or anxious regarding almost any task or obligation. The emotion is extremely disproportionate to the unpleasantness of the task. I have to force myself to do tasks that are fairly easy. Difficult tasks may not get done. Sometimes this trait a problem at work, depending on my assignments.

It's like being really lazy, except laziness normally comes with the expectation of some kind of benefit and this doesn't. I feel like I should be able to overcome this problem by force of will, but even if I'm able to do the stuff I need to do, I'm still going to be pretty miserable about it.

I am interested in a lot of things. There are too many things and not enough time or energy to engage in them all, so I try to ignore less productive or less fulfilling interests, but I feel like I sometimes get "stuck" on things that are easier to engage in. 

This is probably my biggest problem.

Horribly Disorganized

Daily adult life is too complicated. I forget to do important things. I can't cook for myself regularly, clean, or otherwise handle more than two weekly chores. I have a poor working memory, like I don't have enough RAM in my mental computer. I often fail to refill my prescriptions on time. 

I can do computer programming, but so far, it has been impossible to do complex programs.

Sometimes I stick to routines because doing something over and over means I don't have to redo all the planning each time. It's a good thing I like eating the same thing for lunch every day for months at a time, because I'd probably have to do it regardless.

I can't routinely show up on time to places. I can usually manage every now and then by putting 110% effort into it! But you can't put 110% effort in every day, so it's pretty much impossible for me to hold a job where the boss cares a lot about punctuality.

Attention difficulties

I am easily distracted, and I have a tendency to "zone out." It's worse when I'm tired; I am almost always tired. I am being treated for ADHD with 10 mg of Adderall per day (plus around 200-400 mg of caffeine), which is inadequate but better than nothing. 

Communication/Human Relations

My social skills aren't horrible, but considering how much studying, self-training, and research I've done on the topic, you think I'd rule the world by now, or at least be pretty rich. Alas, it's not so. The fact that I'm not better off should indicate how untalented I naturally am in this department!

Social Skills

When I was a child, I was horrible at interacting with others. I accidentally bullied people or was a pest. Nowadays, I have a lot of "book smarts" about social skills but often don't know what to do in the middle of an interaction. I am very unassertive. It seems I make bad first impressions but people later end up liking me. 

Difficulties with Verbal Communication

I have trouble retaining information from discussions. (I seem to learn well enough from school lectures, so I don't think this is entirely an auditory processing problem? It seems to have something to do without how the information is presented or organized.) I have trouble remembering spoken instructions, sometimes trouble understanding them at all.

I have difficulty thinking of what to say. When possible, I try to plan or rehearse conversations in advance. I'm very anxious when I'm unable to plan, e.g. a meeting is scheduled with an unknown topic. When I'm emotional, it becomes even more difficult to talk. A few times when I was a kid, I was completely unable to talk when I became emotional.

Lately, I've started to notice that other people seem to have trouble understanding what I say, but they don't realize that they don't understand. (Alternatively, they are pretending to understand because they are getting impatient with me!) Although I only recognized it recently, in retrospect, I realize I've had this problem for a long time. It causes problems when discussing work-related info with colleagues, explaining my symptoms to a doctor, or communicating with almost any other business I need to use.

I can't talk while there is other speech happening, e.g. TV is on in the same room. If someone starts talking over me, I can't raise my voice. I just lose the ability to talk until they stop. It's like my ears and my mouth just can't go at the same time. If I'm trying to participate in a group discussion, I have to hope everyone else acknowledges my "raised hand" gesture, because I cannot butt into the conversation.

Sometimes I have trouble talking correctly, such as inverting words in sentences or stumbling over pronunciation. I had speech therapy for a short time in fifth grade because I had a slight lisp. Sometimes I feel like I still have a lisp, but that counselor I saw once insisted that I do not. Some businesses are using voice-recognition systems in their phone menus instead of the usual "press 1 to..." system. I hate those with a passion. They never understand what I say.

Sometimes speech vibrations in my mouth are painful are startling, due to my tactile hypersensitivity.

Social Anxiety

I'm nervous around new people. I also have a lot of anxiety about phone calls. This is especially true of incoming phone calls from an unknown person, because at least with outgoing phone calls, I can plan the conversation first. Although, if I do have to make a phone call, I have to psyche myself up first, in addition to planning the conversation.

This used to be a big problem at my job because they had me in a position that makes and receives a lot of phone calls from people outside of our company. I noticed at one point, outgoing phone calls started to be a lot less stressful. If I realized I needed to make a phone call, I could just pick up the phone and start dialing! I guess this was essentially exposure therapy, but part of it was that I became an expert on the topic of those phone calls. Making calls in my personal life was still difficult.

Sensory Problems

Hypersensitivity

Many sensations that are insignificant to others are painful to me. The biggest problem is sound, but all the senses are troublesome. I hate most vegetables. I like bland food. If I experience a lot of sensory input throughout the day, even if it's not unpleasant sensations, I will progressively become jittery, then anxious, then fatigued, then angry. I have learned to actively monitor and manage my sensory input (e.g. How close am I to overload? How much will a certain activity affect me? Can I afford the cost of that activity?), which has helped a lot. Before I understood this problem, I thought I had anger issues, because I would sometimes lose my temper and scream or attack people. Nowadays I may still lose my temper but it happens less often and I have only attacked inanimate objects. When I was a child, brushing my teeth was painful because the minty toothpaste burned my mouth. 

Sensory Stimulation

I usually wiggle my leg when sitting. Sometimes I do other repetitive actions such as bouncing, rocking, or humming. Sometimes other people seem bothered by these actions or misinterpret them. There are also some non-repetitive actions such as pressing my hands together in front of my chest (proprioception exercise). In bad situations, harmless stimming is not "enough," so I scratch or bite myself. I haven't had to cut myself yet, but I have applied rubbing alcohol to existing injuries just to cause pain. 

When I was a kid, I often spent as much time as possible sitting next to flower bushes and staring at bees. Related?

Poor motor skills

I'm clumsy. I often knock things of the counter, drop things, or lose my balance when turning around. When I was a kid, it was hard for me to learn physical tasks like riding a bike or tying shoe laces.

Trouble recognizing faces (prosopagnosia)

For the most part, this isn't too bad. It's mostly only a problem regarding people I haven't known very long or don't see often. It causes minor trouble at work (e.g. when I'm tasked with watching the front door and unlocking it only for fellow employees who have forgotten their badge). Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing characters in movies.

Auditory Processing

I have some trouble understanding speech in non-ideal situations such as a teleconference. I don't like to watch TV/movies without captions or subtitles. It's only a minor problem most of the time... at least I think so. It might be related to my difficulties retaining information from discussions.

Emotional Problems

Unhealthy Lifestyle

I mostly eat unhealthy food. Most healthy food is difficult to tolerate (sensory issues) or difficult to prepare (executive dysfunction), or both. I am more sedentary than I want to be due to a foot injury. I have a variety of health problems. I have gastrointestinal problems; I'm obese and pre-diabetic. 

My appetite is completely disconnected from whether I should eat. Sometimes I get hunger pains but still don't want to eat; sometimes I want to eat way too much.

Recently (October-ish 2015), I've tried reducing the amount of sweets I eat. I still limit dairy and grain, and I avoid legumes almost entirely, and I don't get enough veggies. My consumption of aspartame has skyrocketed, and probably for that reason, my appetite is very reduced compared to before.

Depression

For the most part, I feel like my depression is being adequately treated. (I take sertraline, 50mg daily.) However, it kind of fluctuates in severity, and during the bad episodes, I still feel like crap in spite of the medication.

I've noticed a recurring pattern among my friends, family, and mental health professionals: everyone acts like depression is Problem #1. Like, I'm not even allowed to be a competent adult until I become happy, completely eradicate depression from myself, and become incapable of feeling any negative emotion ever again. 

Screw that.

I could understand this sentiment if I was constantly wallowing in despair, but I think, given the circumstances, I'm actually in a pretty darn good mood most of the time. My colleagues at work even call me "cheerful." When I'm not having a bad episode, it feels like I don't even have depression, except for the fact that I'm still taking antidepressants. I often go months at a time without having a bad episode. Even in the bad episodes, as long as I'm still on the meds, it's not all that bad. (I have to take it easy, but it's not like I'm suicidal or anything.)

It's time to start actually making life better instead of trying to make myself feel better about how badly life sucks.

Compulsive Self-Injury

I have bad habits like chewing my fingers or the inside of my mouth or scratching at pimples or bug bites. The urge to do these things feels different from stimming. Sometimes it's painful, but I can't resist doing it. 

Miscellaneous

I have a phobia of most arthropods. I'm easily started by shapes at the corners of my vision because bugs could be lurking anywhere.

I have trouble sleeping, and I have trouble staying awake.

I like to walk a lot. Normally this would be a good thing, but it used to get in the way of me doing other things, e.g. I'd end up walking around talking to myself when I'm trying to get work done at my desk. Nowadays, my foot injury means that I end up in pain if I walk too much, so the impulse to walk makes me restless or sad.

Sometimes I feel random pains for no apparent reason. 

I'm not sure what the exact trigger is, but sometimes hearing discussion of blood-related medical problems can cause me to have some kind of vasovagal response, and if I don't lie down shortly after symptoms start, I can pass out. The main situation where I have to worry about this is the interview they give you before you can donate blood, but it sometimes comes up when dealing with medical treatment. Also I once had a response from standing too long during an event at school.

Speaking of standing, I can only stand in one place for about four minutes before I start getting a stomach ache. I've had that problem since I was a kid (which meant my evil step-father was always using corporal punishment, even when he was just making me stand in the corner). I don't have this problem from walking.

Potentially relevant non-problems

I have trouble with strict routines, but I like things to be consistent and predictable most of the time. If my friends are going to invite me somewhere, I want a warning a few days in advance. I don't like surprises. I don't like spontaneity when it's caused by other people. I eat lunch at the same fast-food restaurant every day, and I always order the same thing.

I like to touch soft things (clothing, etc) in stores. My mom used to yell at me for it. Finally I'm a grown-up and can manhandle clothing as much as I want.

Strengths and Advantages

I'm not 100% loser.

I'm highly introverted, and not very talkative, so I'm almost completely immune to loneliness. I don't need a lot of friends, and I don't have the disadvantages that come with really needing a lot of face-to-face friend time. I can devote a lot of time to my hobbies.

I am aromantic asexual.

I'm a fast learner and I know the basics about a lot of things. I'm kind of a jack of all trades and a master of none. I can do simple computer programming, I have some art skills, and I have good written communication skills. Lots of people like the pictures I draw.

My social skills knowledge and my policy of being optimistic about people make it fairly easy for me to be a nice person.

My IQ is 117.

About Sensory Issues

"Sensory issues" is sort of a purposefully vague catch-all term for any problems someone might have from the way their neurology processes their physiological senses. That's the "five senses" of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell, and also the other twenty-something senses no one's ever heard of like nociception and proprioception.

Here is a checklist of Sensory Processing Disorder symptoms. You don't have to have SPD to have sensory issues, but all of the SPD symptoms are examples of sensory issues.

If you have sensory issues but you've never heard about the concept before, you may not have realized. It's hard to tell if you're normal/typical in this regard, since whatever sensitivity level you have is pretty much the only level you've every had, so you have no basis for comparison. However, if you read some info about it, keep it in the back of your mind for a few weeks while you observe yourself and others, then come back and read again, it may seem clearer.

What are the problems?

Most of my knowledge relates to hypersensitivity (being too sensitive) because that's my problem. Some people are under-sensitive instead.

There are two key aspects:

How uncomfortable is the input?

There are some things that normal folks can ignore or that they even find pleasant but that are very annoying to me. Things that most other people find really annoying might be really painful for me. 

Things that super-annoy me include the texture and/or flavor of most vegetables,  the texture of a lot of clothes, the feeling of any socks that aren't microfiber, the vocal sounds made by calm well-behaved children, and that "lurch" when a vehicle comes to a complete stop. That's not a complete list.

OMG, the next time my roommate wears that dumb cologne right before he wants me to drive him somewhere... >:(

Recently when I was at a fast food restaurant, one of the employees was tidying up on the far side of the room, and that involved repositioning some metal bar stools that made a LOUD scraping sound against the tile floor. I think it would have been less startling and less painful if someone had just kept smacking me upside the head at random intervals. I'm guessing other people found the sound kind of annoying, but if normal people found it anywhere near as bad as I did, I'm sure the employee would have been trying to make less sound. She could have moved them less or lifted them off the floor. Actually, it probably would have been a moot point because the management could've put some felt pads on the bottom of the stool legs to prevent the whole problem. Anyway, I left the restaurant earlier than I planned.

How much input is "too much"?

I don't like this metaphor, but I haven't found one I like better, so I'm going to talk about buckets.

Imagine everyone has some kind of psychological bucket, and every sight, sound, taste, smell, texture, motion, physical pain, temperature perception, feeling of having to use the bathroom, et cetera that you experience adds a little bit of water to your bucket. The more intense the sensation, the more water is added, even if it's not an unpleasant sensation. Rest and relaxation will empty your bucket. People like me have a smaller bucket. (And/or sensory input adds more water than normal. Not sure if that distinction matters for this dumb metaphor.)

Some kind of Bad Thing happens for anyone whose bucket starts to overflow, but that's not a common concern for typical adults. However, hypersensitive people like me should constantly manage our buckets. How much water is in it now? How much water will certain activities add? Which activities can I afford to do before my next rest opportunity? Am I okay with having to get the amount of rest that a certain activity will require?

When I get overloaded, I mostly have cognitive or emotional problems. (Fatigued or sleepy, increasingly scatterbrained, anxious or grouchy, eventually angry. When it's severe enough, I can basically become a violent lunatic! Before I understood sensory problems, I thought I had anger issues.) However, I've heard of other people having problems like vision issues or blacking out.

Bucket Management

If you're hypersensitive, I think the most important thing is self-awareness. Just knowing how certain input affects you will make a huge difference because it allows you to make more informed decisions.

When it comes to how much "water" certain input will  add to your "bucket," the key seems to be intensity or length, not unpleasantness. Painful or annoying stimuli obviously cause problems, but I think we might underestimate the effects of stimuli that's pleasant or only a little annoying. Here are some things that bother me that I didn't originally recognize:

Very sweet foods, or foods that otherwise have an intense flavor.

Crowds: Conventions, events, crowded restaurants, the mall at noon on a Saturday, or even the grocery store on the weekend. Even the fun stuff is exhausting. My poor assertiveness makes this worse because I'm always trying to stay out of other people's way and, if I'm with someone else, I have to go at the pace that suits them instead of me.

Riding in a vehicle. It's not as bad if you're the one driving because you're in control of most of the motion. Any factors that increase the inconsistency of the motion (more bumps, rattles, jostles, stops, speed changes, swerves) will make it worse, such as road conditions, vehicle functionality, the style/ability of the driver, or how much traffic there is.

Having my hair in a hair clip.

Air blowing on me (e.g. a fan).

Bucket improvement?

Apparently, if you do a lot of exercises that stimulate your proprioceptive system (sense of where all your body parts are) or vestibular system (sense of movement), it will relieve hypersensitivity at least a little--both making input less painful and increasing your capacity for input. I don't know of any widespread studies, but some personal experience and some anecdotes seem to match up with the idea.

A lot of the relevant exercises are things you might normally do in the course of "working out" or naturally having a physically active lifestyle. Since they're healthy for you anyway, it's not a bad idea to give it a shot and see if it works for you.

Proprioception exercises involve putting pressure on the joints and connective tissue:

• Pushing something heavy
• Pulling something heavy
• Hanging from something (pull-ups, monkey bars)

Vestibular exercises involve moving yourself:

• Push ups (do push ups against the wall if you are too weak to do normal push ups)
• Dance
• Jog or run

Be careful not to overstimulate yourself, which is easy with vestibular activities.

Treatment?

For children diagnosed with some kind of disorder, such as sensory processing disorder, occupational therapy can help. If you're an adult, society doesn't care about you, so you'll probably have trouble finding an occupational therapist for this kind of problem. Fortunately, it's easier to help yourself with this kind of thing than it is to help someone else.

Stimming

Stimulation of one's own nerves (stimming) is done by everyone to comfort themselves or to modulate sensory input when their instincts are making them feel like the input they're getting isn't enough. I think most hyper-sensitive people stim more than normal people, for comfort, and I'm making a wild guess that under-sensitive people will stim WAY more.

Technically, everybody stims, but the term is generally only used for those of us who do unusual activities or do it with unusual frequency. Some people really hate it when children do certain forms of stimming and will try to prevent them from doing it (either because they're embarrassed to be seen a weird child, or because they associate stimming with some kind of disrespect toward themselves for some reason, or because they think that stopping the stimming will cure you of whatever problem caused the need for stimming). As a result, you may have gotten into the bad habit of not stimming very much.

A structured plan for stimming is called a "sensory diet" (the word "diet" is metaphorical here), but you can also just stim willy-nilly as you need to,

If you think you might need to stim more, here are some ideas: (Update: There's a bigger list in this post.)

Socially acceptable or only slightly weird:

• Wear a weighted vest when driving.
• Use a weighted blanket when sleeping.
• Squeeze a stress ball.
• Pet a furry animal.
• Take a hot bath or shower.
• Press your hands together really hard in front of your chest for a few seconds.
• Look at fire (e.g. candles or fireplace).
• Lift weights or something heavy (without straining).

These could cause sensory input to the people around you (which could be annoying and/or they'll just think you're weird) so use with caution:

• Bounce your leg.
• Rock back and forth.
• Swing your legs while sitting.
• While sitting in an office chair, use your feet to rotate back and forth.
• Pace.
• Anything else that causes you to be in constant motion, as long as you're in control of the motion.
• Any kind of focused breathing or breathing exercises.
• Hum.

If you need pain:

• Squeeze an ice cube.
• If you have any small skin injuries (e.g. paper cuts, or your pet scratched you), put rubbing alchohol on it.

Stuff that could work as a stim but you should probably avoid doing as a stim:

• Anything that injures you.
• Eating (not necessarily bad, but it can easily become a habit)

More info

Unfortunately, I don't have much knowledge about hyposensitivity (under-sensitive or sensory seeking), so it would be great if you folks could add anything on that topic.

Also feel free to share your stimming tricks or sensory coping techniques.

Anyway....

• Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight - This is a great self-help book about sensory defensiveness (hypersensitivity) for adults or adolescents that have the problem.
• The Highly Sensitive Person - A concept and associated book for folks that are more sensitive than most people but not so sensitive that it's debilitating. Unfortunately, some fans of this concept think that because they don't have a sensory disorder that must mean that no one has a sensory disorder... but the info is otherwise still handy.
• Info about creating a "sensory diet" - If you want to create a sensory diet for a child, you probably want to have your child treated by an occupational therapist.
• Hyperbole and a Half: Sneaky Hate Spiral - This hilarious blog doesn't mention sensory issues specifically, but I suspect sensory issues might be contributing to the author's experiences. Either way, there's definitely some overlap with the way I feel.