About what's wrong with me!

I decided I wanted to write a thorough document on all my issues, for a few different reasons. One reason is so that, the next time I go to a psychologist or something, I can have everything I want to discuss already planned out. Another reason is so that I can see how my perceptions of my problems change over time. My main reason for actually posting this publicly is the hope that folks with similar problems will see this and provide advice on what has worked for them, or at least get some commiseration out of the fact that we're not alone!

The divisions are kind of arbitrary.

Executive Functioning Problems

Life is too complicated! I believe I've had these traits since I was a kid, but it wasn't a big problem at the time because of the different circumstances.

Inertia and Pathological Avoidance of Demands

I have particular problems with transitioning between activities or doing out-of-routine tasks, like my brain can't "shift gears" properly. (This is related to the "reticulating splines" concept.) I have particular trouble going to work each morning; sometimes I have trouble leaving work. Sometimes I avoid fun activities because it's too much trouble to get started.

However, the problem isn't all about transitions. I feel frustrated, stressed, or anxious regarding almost any task or obligation. The emotion is extremely disproportionate to the unpleasantness of the task. I have to force myself to do tasks that are fairly easy. Difficult tasks may not get done. Sometimes this trait a problem at work, depending on my assignments.

It's like being really lazy, except laziness normally comes with the expectation of some kind of benefit and this doesn't. I feel like I should be able to overcome this problem by force of will, but even if I'm able to do the stuff I need to do, I'm still going to be pretty miserable about it.

I am interested in a lot of things. There are too many things and not enough time or energy to engage in them all, so I try to ignore less productive or less fulfilling interests, but I feel like I sometimes get "stuck" on things that are easier to engage in. 

This is probably my biggest problem.

Horribly Disorganized

Daily adult life is too complicated. I forget to do important things. I can't cook for myself regularly, clean, or otherwise handle more than two weekly chores. I have a poor working memory, like I don't have enough RAM in my mental computer. I often fail to refill my prescriptions on time. 

I can do computer programming, but so far, it has been impossible to do complex programs.

Sometimes I stick to routines because doing something over and over means I don't have to redo all the planning each time. It's a good thing I like eating the same thing for lunch every day for months at a time, because I'd probably have to do it regardless.

I can't routinely show up on time to places. I can usually manage every now and then by putting 110% effort into it! But you can't put 110% effort in every day, so it's pretty much impossible for me to hold a job where the boss cares a lot about punctuality.

Attention difficulties

I am easily distracted, and I have a tendency to "zone out." It's worse when I'm tired; I am almost always tired. I am being treated for ADHD with 10 mg of Adderall per day (plus around 200-400 mg of caffeine), which is inadequate but better than nothing. 

Communication/Human Relations

My social skills aren't horrible, but considering how much studying, self-training, and research I've done on the topic, you think I'd rule the world by now, or at least be pretty rich. Alas, it's not so. The fact that I'm not better off should indicate how untalented I naturally am in this department!

Social Skills

When I was a child, I was horrible at interacting with others. I accidentally bullied people or was a pest. Nowadays, I have a lot of "book smarts" about social skills but often don't know what to do in the middle of an interaction. I am very unassertive. It seems I make bad first impressions but people later end up liking me. 

Difficulties with Verbal Communication

I have trouble retaining information from discussions. (I seem to learn well enough from school lectures, so I don't think this is entirely an auditory processing problem? It seems to have something to do without how the information is presented or organized.) I have trouble remembering spoken instructions, sometimes trouble understanding them at all.

I have difficulty thinking of what to say. When possible, I try to plan or rehearse conversations in advance. I'm very anxious when I'm unable to plan, e.g. a meeting is scheduled with an unknown topic. When I'm emotional, it becomes even more difficult to talk. A few times when I was a kid, I was completely unable to talk when I became emotional.

Lately, I've started to notice that other people seem to have trouble understanding what I say, but they don't realize that they don't understand. (Alternatively, they are pretending to understand because they are getting impatient with me!) Although I only recognized it recently, in retrospect, I realize I've had this problem for a long time. It causes problems when discussing work-related info with colleagues, explaining my symptoms to a doctor, or communicating with almost any other business I need to use.

I can't talk while there is other speech happening, e.g. TV is on in the same room. If someone starts talking over me, I can't raise my voice. I just lose the ability to talk until they stop. It's like my ears and my mouth just can't go at the same time. If I'm trying to participate in a group discussion, I have to hope everyone else acknowledges my "raised hand" gesture, because I cannot butt into the conversation.

Sometimes I have trouble talking correctly, such as inverting words in sentences or stumbling over pronunciation. I had speech therapy for a short time in fifth grade because I had a slight lisp. Sometimes I feel like I still have a lisp, but that counselor I saw once insisted that I do not. Some businesses are using voice-recognition systems in their phone menus instead of the usual "press 1 to..." system. I hate those with a passion. They never understand what I say.

Sometimes speech vibrations in my mouth are painful are startling, due to my tactile hypersensitivity.

Social Anxiety

I'm nervous around new people. I also have a lot of anxiety about phone calls. This is especially true of incoming phone calls from an unknown person, because at least with outgoing phone calls, I can plan the conversation first. Although, if I do have to make a phone call, I have to psyche myself up first, in addition to planning the conversation.

This used to be a big problem at my job because they had me in a position that makes and receives a lot of phone calls from people outside of our company. I noticed at one point, outgoing phone calls started to be a lot less stressful. If I realized I needed to make a phone call, I could just pick up the phone and start dialing! I guess this was essentially exposure therapy, but part of it was that I became an expert on the topic of those phone calls. Making calls in my personal life was still difficult.

Sensory Problems

Hypersensitivity

Many sensations that are insignificant to others are painful to me. The biggest problem is sound, but all the senses are troublesome. I hate most vegetables. I like bland food. If I experience a lot of sensory input throughout the day, even if it's not unpleasant sensations, I will progressively become jittery, then anxious, then fatigued, then angry. I have learned to actively monitor and manage my sensory input (e.g. How close am I to overload? How much will a certain activity affect me? Can I afford the cost of that activity?), which has helped a lot. Before I understood this problem, I thought I had anger issues, because I would sometimes lose my temper and scream or attack people. Nowadays I may still lose my temper but it happens less often and I have only attacked inanimate objects. When I was a child, brushing my teeth was painful because the minty toothpaste burned my mouth. 

Sensory Stimulation

I usually wiggle my leg when sitting. Sometimes I do other repetitive actions such as bouncing, rocking, or humming. Sometimes other people seem bothered by these actions or misinterpret them. There are also some non-repetitive actions such as pressing my hands together in front of my chest (proprioception exercise). In bad situations, harmless stimming is not "enough," so I scratch or bite myself. I haven't had to cut myself yet, but I have applied rubbing alcohol to existing injuries just to cause pain. 

When I was a kid, I often spent as much time as possible sitting next to flower bushes and staring at bees. Related?

Poor motor skills

I'm clumsy. I often knock things of the counter, drop things, or lose my balance when turning around. When I was a kid, it was hard for me to learn physical tasks like riding a bike or tying shoe laces.

Trouble recognizing faces (prosopagnosia)

For the most part, this isn't too bad. It's mostly only a problem regarding people I haven't known very long or don't see often. It causes minor trouble at work (e.g. when I'm tasked with watching the front door and unlocking it only for fellow employees who have forgotten their badge). Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing characters in movies.

Auditory Processing

I have some trouble understanding speech in non-ideal situations such as a teleconference. I don't like to watch TV/movies without captions or subtitles. It's only a minor problem most of the time... at least I think so. It might be related to my difficulties retaining information from discussions.

Emotional Problems

Unhealthy Lifestyle

I mostly eat unhealthy food. Most healthy food is difficult to tolerate (sensory issues) or difficult to prepare (executive dysfunction), or both. I am more sedentary than I want to be due to a foot injury. I have a variety of health problems. I have gastrointestinal problems; I'm obese and pre-diabetic. 

My appetite is completely disconnected from whether I should eat. Sometimes I get hunger pains but still don't want to eat; sometimes I want to eat way too much.

Recently (October-ish 2015), I've tried reducing the amount of sweets I eat. I still limit dairy and grain, and I avoid legumes almost entirely, and I don't get enough veggies. My consumption of aspartame has skyrocketed, and probably for that reason, my appetite is very reduced compared to before.

Depression

For the most part, I feel like my depression is being adequately treated. (I take sertraline, 50mg daily.) However, it kind of fluctuates in severity, and during the bad episodes, I still feel like crap in spite of the medication.

I've noticed a recurring pattern among my friends, family, and mental health professionals: everyone acts like depression is Problem #1. Like, I'm not even allowed to be a competent adult until I become happy, completely eradicate depression from myself, and become incapable of feeling any negative emotion ever again. 

Screw that.

I could understand this sentiment if I was constantly wallowing in despair, but I think, given the circumstances, I'm actually in a pretty darn good mood most of the time. My colleagues at work even call me "cheerful." When I'm not having a bad episode, it feels like I don't even have depression, except for the fact that I'm still taking antidepressants. I often go months at a time without having a bad episode. Even in the bad episodes, as long as I'm still on the meds, it's not all that bad. (I have to take it easy, but it's not like I'm suicidal or anything.)

It's time to start actually making life better instead of trying to make myself feel better about how badly life sucks.

Compulsive Self-Injury

I have bad habits like chewing my fingers or the inside of my mouth or scratching at pimples or bug bites. The urge to do these things feels different from stimming. Sometimes it's painful, but I can't resist doing it. 

Miscellaneous

I have a phobia of most arthropods. I'm easily started by shapes at the corners of my vision because bugs could be lurking anywhere.

I have trouble sleeping, and I have trouble staying awake.

I like to walk a lot. Normally this would be a good thing, but it used to get in the way of me doing other things, e.g. I'd end up walking around talking to myself when I'm trying to get work done at my desk. Nowadays, my foot injury means that I end up in pain if I walk too much, so the impulse to walk makes me restless or sad.

Sometimes I feel random pains for no apparent reason. 

I'm not sure what the exact trigger is, but sometimes hearing discussion of blood-related medical problems can cause me to have some kind of vasovagal response, and if I don't lie down shortly after symptoms start, I can pass out. The main situation where I have to worry about this is the interview they give you before you can donate blood, but it sometimes comes up when dealing with medical treatment. Also I once had a response from standing too long during an event at school.

Speaking of standing, I can only stand in one place for about four minutes before I start getting a stomach ache. I've had that problem since I was a kid (which meant my evil step-father was always using corporal punishment, even when he was just making me stand in the corner). I don't have this problem from walking.

Potentially relevant non-problems

I have trouble with strict routines, but I like things to be consistent and predictable most of the time. If my friends are going to invite me somewhere, I want a warning a few days in advance. I don't like surprises. I don't like spontaneity when it's caused by other people. I eat lunch at the same fast-food restaurant every day, and I always order the same thing.

I like to touch soft things (clothing, etc) in stores. My mom used to yell at me for it. Finally I'm a grown-up and can manhandle clothing as much as I want.

Strengths and Advantages

I'm not 100% loser.

I'm highly introverted, and not very talkative, so I'm almost completely immune to loneliness. I don't need a lot of friends, and I don't have the disadvantages that come with really needing a lot of face-to-face friend time. I can devote a lot of time to my hobbies.

I am aromantic asexual.

I'm a fast learner and I know the basics about a lot of things. I'm kind of a jack of all trades and a master of none. I can do simple computer programming, I have some art skills, and I have good written communication skills. Lots of people like the pictures I draw.

My social skills knowledge and my policy of being optimistic about people make it fairly easy for me to be a nice person.

My IQ is 117.

Social Skills

I think social psychology and human relations are super-interesting, so I have picked up a variety of techniques. Most of these tips are probably obvious to most people; they just do it by accident without even thinking about it! But some of us missed the memo. People with certain disorders or autism tend to be particularly untalented at figuring this stuff out without instruction, but with the way neurotypical folks seem to absorb social conventions by accident while growing up, they can easily end up with problems if they grew up around people with unsuitable social habits.

Assertiveness tips:

Seeing as how I'm debilitatingly unassertive, it might seem like a terrible idea to get advice on the matter from me, but I've noticed that there are actually people out there that are worse about this than me, so here are the tips I've found.

This is a topic a lot of people realize they need help on, so you can also search for "assertiveness tips" or "how to be assertive" to get some more information.

Respect yourself!

What is assertiveness? It's being confident and direct in claiming your rights or putting forth your views.

The main prerequisite to assertiveness is the belief that it's okay to be nice to yourself. Sure, you want to be nice to people, but you're also a person. You don't have to do EVERYTHING other people request of you, even if their requests are reasonable.

It may help to consider reciprocity, i.e. how often other people help you. I mean, I think an ideal community is one where everyone is always helping each other out, but consider whether you actually live in that kind of community. (You may have that kind of relationship with a few people but not others.) I know someone who acts like she lives in an omni-helpful world when she totally doesn't. She's always asking other people for favors, but they never pan out. Meanwhile, she runs herself ragged doing everything for everybody. It might be okay to act like that if you have people who are going to help you out, but if you live in an "every man for himself" setting, you need to help yourself first, then help others after your own needs are met.  I'm not saying you should only help people who help you, just that the help you give out shouldn't too far exceed the help you receive.

Don't be hostile

Assertiveness is not aggressiveness.

When someone makes a request of you, your options are not limited to (1) do whatever they ask even when it makes you feel all bitter and martyred (2) disparage their character for having the nerve to make that request. Try to say no without turning it into a fight. If you're mean about it, the requester is guaranteed to feel defenses or resentful. They might have argued anyway (even though that would be terribly rude of them), but they're a lot more likely to argue now that they want to convince you that you weren't justified in treating them that way.

Even if you give in and do what they want after all, they're not going to feel very grateful if you were a jerk about it.

Say No and Shut Up

If you decline someone's request or unsolicited advice, resist the urge to give a long-winded justification for your choice. That just invites argument. The following two tips give you advice on what to say instead.

"Pass the Bean Dip" technique

This tip applies mostly to unsolicited advice. I'm pretty sure it originally came from a parenting blog, or maybe a homeschooling blog. The name was probably inspired by family gatherings, which are an unholy chaotic pit of unsolicited advice, but such gatherings are likely to contain food and condiments that can be cleverly used to distract your enemies! The idea is that you respond briefly to whatever someone said to you, then immediately change the subject. Don't actually say bean dip if there's no bean dip for them to pass to you.

For example:

"You should just feed the baby formula. She would sleep better that way."

"Thanks for your concern. Can you pass the bean dip?"

Broken Record technique

This is a technique where another person is arguing with you and you need to stand your ground. You keep saying essentially the same thing until the take the hint and give up.

Fogging

Fogging is an assertiveness technique for dealing with obnoxious criticism. You express agreement with the true parts of what the person is saying, e.g. if they say, "I see you're dressed the same trashy way you always are," you can say, "Yes, I'm dressed the way I normally dress."

I don't have any practice on this technique, because most people where I live are more subtle with their hostility, but I wanted to mention it just in case you need it.

What situations trip you up?

If there are certain situations where you have trouble being assertive, try to avoid having that situation overlap with situations where you need to be particularly assertive. 

For example, I have a hard time with verbal communication, especially face-to-face, especially if I didn't get any advanced warning to prepare for the  conversation... so I'll agree to all kinds of ridiculous things if I'm not careful. My "escape plan" is to say something wishy-washy about how I'll have to give them an answer later.

Amiability tips:

Here are tips on how to avoid appearing argumentative, hostile, or conceited. This list assumes you aren't the kind of person who likes creating drama.

Non-Accusatory Complaint

If you need to lodge a complaint so that a problem will be corrected, you can do it in a way that avoids criticizing the receiver of the complaint. Putting forth an accusatory complaint will make the receiver defensive, and if it turns out that the problem wasn't the receiver's fault, it will make you look silly and make the receiver feel a false sense of "problem solved."

For example, suppose you're taking a class and your teacher graded your test incorrectly:
Bad: "Hey, you graded my test wrong."
Good: "Hey, there's an error with how my test was graded."

About Opinions

"Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one, and nobody thinks theirs stinks." -- popular saying

Just because someone says something about a topic on which you have an opinion doesn't necessarily mean you have to give your opinion. If it's just small talk or otherwise non-important, you might consider keeping it to yourself, especially if your opinion is contradictory or negative to what was already said.

However, if someone someone asked for your opinion or you want to have a polite debate or discussion, try to state a fact about yourself instead of giving your opinion. For example, you can say, "I didn't like that movie," instead of, "That was a bad movie."

Use "I Language"

"I Language" is relationship-counselor-speak for "talking like someone who's not an overly hostile asshole." Basically, when you have a disagreement with someone, you talk about yourself or the concrete facts of the situation, instead of blaming or criticizing the other person.

Besides the fact that blaming and criticism rarely get you what you want (more on that later), talking about yourself and the situation is just going to be clearer and more accurate. Things like "You're so selfish" or "You never help out around the house" or "You hurt my feelings" don't really communicate anything useful.

There's already been a ton written on this topic by more intelligent people than me, so I'm just going to leave you with two informative websites I found:

• The technique explained in detail at Austin CC.
• Lots of good and bad examples are provided at Families.com

If those links ever die or you want more info, you can find similar pages by searching for phrases like "I language in communication."

Humility (using "I think...")

You probably had at least one English teacher who insisted that you should never start statements with things like "I think" or "I believe." Well, you shouldn't take etiquette advice from your English teachers, even when they aren't the types everybody hates. That's not their specialty.

Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People tipped me off to this wisdom from Benjamin Franklin:

I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me at present". 

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. 

-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

(Try to use a reasonably confident tone though, at least in professional settings, or you'll give some people the impression that you're guessing wildly.)

So scratch out all the "I think" from your English class homework assignments, but use it as much as you want (maybe more?) in every other context.

Can you get the same result by agreeing?

For an example, I'm going to totally plagiarize something I once saw on a parenting message board (I don't remember who told this example; please claim it if it's yours).

The Mom posting this advice was talking about dealing with her own mother (the Grandma). Grandma would call her and suggest that she bring the family over to visit. The Mom found that if she responded, "Ugh, I am SO busy, there's no way I can make it over there until at least Wednesday!" then the Grandma would be upset and argumentative and start complaining about how she never sees the grand kids, et cetera. But if the Mom responded with something like, "Sure! How about Wednesday?" then Grandma would be happy ("Great, I'll make pancakes!").

Either way, the Mom was agreeing to bring the family over on Wednesday, but the Grandma's feelings and response were different based on her attitude.

On one hand, maybe it seems silly of the Grandma to care so much about the presentation of the response, since she's getting what she wants either way, but I think it actually makes sense. The grouchy response has some underlying implications of "your request is unreasonable" and "bringing the family to see you is a big hassle for me," and it's those implications that Grandma was actually arguing with.

Good Intentions tips:

Trying to do something does not automatically mean you actually are doing it. That applies just as much to "being nice" as it does to anything else.

Everyone hates unsolicited advice

I gave this one its own post. Read it here.

Don't overdo favors

When someone does something nice for someone else, the beneficiary often feels obligated to repay the favor in some way. If the benefactor insists that the favor does not need to be repaid, that does pretty much nothing to reduce the sense of obligation! You don't really have to worry about this with family members and close friends, because you'll be helping each other out all the time, and there's no need to keep score when you feel like it'll even out in the long run. Therefore, this advice applies mostly to casual friends and acquaintances.

From my observations, it seems like the "amount" that someone feels compelled to repay is based on either (a) the beneficiary's perception of how much trouble the favor caused for the benefactor (b) how much trouble it would have caused the beneficiary to do that favor for someone (c) a midpoint between the two. The amount of benefit that the person actually receives isn't necessarily a huge factor.

That means, it's entirely possible for the beneficiary's sense of obligation to exceed the actual benefit of the favor! In that case, the beneficiary dislikes receiving the favor.

Thus, if you try too hard to be nice, you could actually end up annoying someone. They'll have trouble holding it against you, but it could still cause them to dislike you if it's an ongoing problem.

By the way, all this talk of favors applies to both acts of service and material gifts.

Non-Annoying tips:

These are some things to keep in mind so that you can avoid accidentally being a pest.

Personal space

People will usually get annoyed if you get too close to them. This varies a lot by culture and personal life experiences, but in the USA, and good rule of thumb is that people want at least three or four feet of space when they're facing each other and having a conversation. However, when they're standing side by side or something, a smaller amount of space is okay, probably about two feet.

In crowded places, such as a busy subway, it's not always practical for everyone to keep as much space as they want. Most people understand this and are reasonable, but one tactic for dealing with the discomfort is pretending the people encroaching on their space are not there or are some kind of inanimate objects. Therefore, people may get annoyed when you talk to them in these situations.

Buffer Seat

In places like theaters or buses, the seats are usually so close together that people will be in each other's space. It's especially bad if either of you are too fat for the seat! Therefore, it's appropriate for strangers to leave an empty seat between each other.

However, sometimes there's too high of a person-to-seat ratio, and it's not possible for everyone to have a buffer seat. In that case, it's not reasonable to insist on a buffer seat. Even in situations wherein people can stand, it's not always easy to stand that long so some people are going to sit in the empty seats. If you're the person who fills the buffer seat, don't be offended if a stranger stands up and moves away. It's nothing personal; they just want more space.

Phone conversations

Seriously, don't have extended phone calls in public places where the people around you can't move away without inconveniencing themselves.

Note, this only applies to verbal conversations on the phone. Some people act like there's something horribly morally wrong with you for doing things like texting, gaming, or reading email, but there's no reason people should be legitimately annoyed by those things, unless you're doing them in some needlessly annoying fashion.

Here are some reasons why verbal phone conversations are actually totally rude:

• It's really irritating and distracting to overhear half of a conversation. It's a lot worse than just overhearing two people talk. Here's an article about a study that found out this information, just in case you were wondering whether I'm the only one that's annoyed. People don't have to be trying to eavesdrop to be affected; even if your phone call is the most boring thing ever and they'd really rather think about their grocery list, their brain is going to stick to your phone call. It's distracting enough to interfere with the cognitive abilities needed for many daily tasks, so in some situations, it can even be dangerous.

• The person having the phone call is also distracted and therefore has a reduced ability to be considerate of other people who are present. If you were talking to someone in person, the other person would be there to notice things that you miss.

• It's harder to hear each other over the phone, so you probably talk louder than normal and frequently repeat yourself.

You can cut yourself some slack if the call is highly important. It's still rude, but some rudeness is forgivable in extenuating circumstances.

Pleasantness Tips:

Doing these things will make people more likely to consider you pleasant and friendly.

Greet people (usually)

This seems to vary a lot by region and setting. I've heard that in some places, you're expected to greet every stranger you pass on the street, which seems weird to me.

However, even in places where it's normal to keep your head down and avoid eye contact with strangers, it's usually a good idea to greet people you know, like when you pass a coworker in the office hallway.

These greetings have two parts:

• First, give an indication of who you're greeting. The normal way is to make eye contact, but it usually also works to say their name in the greeting or look in their general direction.
• Second, communicate the greeting with words, a hand gesture, or both.

It can be a good idea to consider what a person is currently doing before you greet them, to avoid interrupting something.

"How are you?"

Half the people who ask this are using it as some polite figure of speech and don't care how you are, and the other half are just trying to give you a chance to report some kind of news, like a more formal version of, "What's up?" Generally, you should respond to this with, "Good. How are you?" but it's also a chance to say something like, "Oh God, call an ambulance," or, "Just so you know, the copy machine is broken again," in applicable circumstances. 

If you feel like crap, don't say so as a response to this question unless you're expecting the asker to do something about it. You also won't get any good results from faux-positive responses like, "eh, I'm alive."

I feel like it's a bad idea to ask this when you're not in a good situation to have a conversation, e.g. a fast food cashier greeting the first customer and other customers are waiting. However, it seems that many people disagree with me.

About Conversation

A lot of people like to talk about themselves. Certainly, I think most people prefer to talk about themselves or other things they're interested in over other topics. So if you're trying to get on someone's good side, make it easy for them to talk about themselves or their interests by asking about them. If someone tries to talk about something that happened to them, they will often be annoyed if you talk about your own similiar experiences before they're done with what they want to say. If you don't like to talk about yourself (or at all) but someone keeps asking you about yourself in the course of some awkward attempt at small talk, don't worry, they're probably not a stalker. They're just trying to give you a chance to talk about yourself because they think you'll like that.

Empathy* tips:

*By "empathy," I mean putting yourself in someone else's metaphorical shoes--not necessarily feeling the emotion they're feeling, but having an idea of their point of view.

The world is filled with all sorts of people, and you will never understand them the way you understand yourself. Never assume you know someone as well as or better than they know themselves. Still, some understanding is better than no understanding, so here are some tips for considering other people's point of view.

Everybody thinks they're good

Seriously, all sorts of mass-murdering sociopaths have been convinced that they are wonderful people that the law unfairly punished. It's not even that they didn't know (somehow forgot) that they killed those people, but rather the murders didn't take away their self-identified "good person" points.

This has implications for when you want someone to change their behavior.

Mainly, if you give someone unsolicited criticism, it's quite possible won't believe you. (If your criticism describes an objective fact that they agree with, they won't agree that there's anything wrong with that fact.) Instead they'll be offended and defensive and consider YOU to be the bad guy. So, you might as well try to avoid criticizing people when possible.

When you want people to change their behavior, try to be precise. Tell them what you want them to do or stop doing. Don't just tell them to "please be respectful." I mean, it's not like they're going to respond with, "OHHHH, I didn't realize I was supposed to be respectful! Silly me! I'll fix that."

Forgive other people's nonverbal behavior

If someone is annoyed by a situation, it's true that they shouldn't take it out on you. However, if you insist that they effectively pretend they are not annoyed, you're requiring them to have excellent acting skills. Is it a moral flaw to not have excellent acting skills?

Besides, even if you're absolutely sure you interpreted their facial expression, pose, tone of voice, or sigh correctly... maybe you didn't. Even if you're normally good at reading that sort of thing, if someone is from a different region or has neurological differences, they might have different body language than you're used to.

So, if someone does what you want but acts upset about it in the process, let it go.

Everyone wants to be treated with respect

This includes people who have a lower social status than you, such as your children. Basically, don't throw all these techniques out the window just because you're talking to your kid.

Acknowledge personality differences

The Golden Rule has its limitations. Everyone wants to be treated with respect, the details vary from person to person. It's still a good idea to keep the old "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" maxim in mind, but it's a guideline, not a hard and fast rule.

I hope to eventually give many of these differences their own post, but here's an example for now:

Some people like to talk more than others. They just find conversation to be a relaxing activity that helps them bond with people. Not everyone is like that. Lots of folks can talk okay, but it's terribly unfun. There are even some people who aren't very good at talking, so they have to put a lot of effort into it, and long conversations can be mentally exhausting for them.

Likewise, different people like to spend different amounts of time in the presence of others. A good half of the population is more introverted than extroverted, which means they really need a certain amount of time alone to relax, and how much time will vary.

So if someone wants to spend time with you sometimes, but they don't want to spend as much time as you want to spend, or they don't want to converse as much as you want to converse, don't take it personally. It doesn't mean that they don't care about you as much as you care about them.

I've found that it pays to be optimistic about people. When someone does something, you have no way of telling what their motivations and intentions are, and there's usually multiple possible explanations from your point of view. So why not give them the benefit of the doubt?

More info

Feel free to add additional techniques in the comments or to expound on how these techniques have worked for you. It would be great to get info on how all this stuff works in different regions.

Constructive-Selfish

There's this brand of soap you may have heard of call Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap, which is notable because the label is covered in text from the funky religious writings of the company's founder. The writing style is unusual--it often goes off on sudden tangents about how communism is a bad thing and overall sounds like something made by translation software. But one thing I like about it is how, whenever there's not a good word in the English language for a concept he wants to refer to, he just combines words with hyphens to get the same idea. That's how you get terms like "constructive-selfish."

I wanted to pass on some quotes from the peppermint soap advising people to be constructive-selfish:

"1st: If I'm not for me, who am I? Nobody!
2nd: Yet, if I'm only for me, what am I? Nothing!
3rd: If no now, when? Once More: Unless constructive-selfish I work hard perfecting first me, absolute nothing can help me! [...]"

"5th: Whatever unites mankind is better than whatever divides us! Yet, if absolute-unselfish I am not for me, I'm not but classless, raceless, starving masses, never free nor brave! Only if constructive-selfish I work hard perfecting first me, like arctic owls - penguin - pilot - cat - swallow - beaver, bee, can I teach the MORAL ABC'S ALL - ONE - GOD - FAITH [...]"

"7th: Each Swallow works hard to be perfect pilot-provider-builder-trainer-teacher-lover-mate, no half-true hate! So, each day like a bird, perfect thyself first! Have courage and smile my friend. Think and act 10 years ahead! And the man without fault? He's dead! Do one thing at a time, work hard! Get done! [...]"

"12th: A great teacher, must first, a self-supporting hardworker be, like Alesen - Baeck - Carnegie - Cousteau - Hammer - Liebman - Paine - Sanger - Spinoza - Strauss - Szasz - Wilke - Yadin - Zamenhof, or he'll turn our greatest teaching into spades, to bury our people!"

Confession: I only recognize two people from that list of names.